3.1.3 Responding to Disclosure

After disclosure, the survivor may have questions about what will happen next.

If the perpetrator is someone that the survivor loves and trusts, there may be confusion about the outcome. The survivor may insist that they do not want the perpetrator to get into trouble, that they only want the abuse to stop.

The survivor may feel intense guilt and self-blame with respect to the fact that by disclosing, the perpetrator may get into trouble, even though it’s the perpetrator who did something wrong.

Because of the consequences, there are often far more reasons to stay silent than there are to disclose.

When a survivor does disclose, we want to validate them and recognize how much courage and strength it took to come forward.

We want to recognize and honor the barriers they had to face and the consequences of their choice to speak up and get support.

When you respond to disclosure, here are some things you can reflect to the survivor:

  1. How brave they are to be honest about what happened;

  2. How strong they are for coming forward;

  3. That you believe them;

  4. That you are sorry that this happened to them;

  5. That the feelings they are experiencing are normal;

  6. That the assault was not their fault;

  7. That they did what they needed to do to stay safe;

  8. That you can’t make promises about what will happen in the future (e.g. as an advocate, you can’t guarantee that the survivor will not have to speak to the police or that the sexual assault will stay a secret from their family); and

  9. That what happens next is up to the survivor, and it’s their choice to make.

Every survivor processes sexual assault differently, and as an advocate, you will be faced with many different situations.

For example, one survivor may tell their story and break down in tears while another may be extremely angry and tense.

Others may show no apparent emotion or even laugh nervously while disclosing, which may tempt you or others to dismiss their story.

A survivor's reaction may be an indication that they are not able to handle or cope with the intense feelings that are coming up.

Remember that all survivors cope differently, and all responses are valid.

Be aware that you might have strong feelings triggered by a survivor's disclosure, whether from what they are sharing or the way they are sharing it.

It’s important to keep the focus on the survivor and validate their feelings.

After your time with the survivor is complete, you will need to take time for your own processing (see the section, ‘Self-Care and Resiliency’).

It may take practice to affirm and support the survivor, especially when you feel triggered.

Saying the wrong thing or saying something in the wrong way can shut down the process of disclosure for someone.

It can be helpful to role play with other advocates so that you are more comfortable in the moment, knowing what to say.

At the same time, we do not want to put too much focus on survivor's feelings as they are disclosing because we want to give them the time and space for a variety of feelings, and they need to feel safe. This safety includes physical protection from the perpetrator but also a sense of security from having you as an advocate beside them.

Ask the survivor what they need to help give them a sense of security and control over their environment.

It could be water, a blanket, food or something else that makes them feel more comfortable. Often the health center will have these things available, and a healthcare provider will be able to get them for the survivor. Try to stay next to the survivor as much as possible.

You are doing your job as an advocate when you listen to and believe the survivor and try to be helpful and supportive.

 You do not need to be, or act like, an expert.

It can often feel like you are not doing enough, but the ability for you to offer unconditional support to the survivor can be a crucial step in their path to healing.

While you may sometimes feel overwhelmed in your role as an advocate, you do not need to have all the answers in order to help a survivor get the support they need.

Often, there is additional shame and silence in disclosing sexual assault related to intimate partner violence.

In cases of intimate partner violence, it can be helpful to repeat to the survivor that just because they consented in a previous situation does not mean that they automatically consent in all future situations.

Some women may not report intimate partner violence for fear of losing custody of their children.

Consent must be given every time.